I'm Steve Jobs. I invented the friggin iPod, okay? Have you heard of it?
I've been reading The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs, Aged 51 1/2 quite a bit lately. It's leading up nicely to the August 7 keynote at WWDC, and it's nice to see Steve really getting into a groove over time, as he becomes a more confidant writer. Today's post, where Steve writes about a phone call he received from Sir Richard Branson, was one of the best yet:
So the truth is I kinda sorta hate this guy cause he made such a big deal out of his stupid Virgin online music store and he was all Mr. Smack Talk about how he was gonna kick the crap out of iTunes -- ya right -- but now here he is pretending like he's my big buddy or whatever. Maybe the altitude is friggin up his head or whatever and he figures maybe I don't remember what a dickbreath he was on the music store thing. Anyhoo, I push back on him some more and say I just don't see the synergy and he gets a little PO'd cause as you might have noticed he's got a teensy little ego problem, and he says in this sort of fake rough Cockney accent, Look, mate, I've been in your bloody stores and I've seen all these stupd iPod gizmos and you tell me what the hell do they have to do with anything, right? I mean, the bloody Tivoli iPal? It's a bloody FM radio! Only it's painted bloody white and has a plug for an MP3 player, innit? iPal my ass. But I don't hear you bitching about that, mate. So I'm like, Branson, my bro, cool out, do some yoga, smoke a doob, cut a fart in your space suit or whatever, but sure, go for it. Have the lawyers work it out and give me a slice of the action. And God bless you, you crazy big-toothed bleached-hair balloon-flying freak. He says Bloody right, mate, you won't regret this, and I promise you can break a bottle of fake champagne on the first plane and take the first ride, the maiden voyage, right alongside the Beckhams, my word as a gentleman. And I'm like, Dude, I don't fly commercial, it gives me hives, I'm allergic to non-vegans, but thanks anyway and good luck. Then I called our lawyers and told them, I don't care if you have to put a bullet in this guy's head, but do NOT let this deal happen. Peace out.